Why Not Be a Real Good Man?

From time to time, we find some would-be teachers and commentators strike a contrived contrast between what is a “good” man and what is a “real” man. Eliciting the crowd for comments, the audience will be guided through an exercise where they (the crowd) will list (in one column) some set of responses as to what denotes a good man. Usual remarks often follow such things as compassionate and committed, etc. Alternatively, a list is similarly generated to brainstorm the attributes of a “real” man. This list usually reflects concepts of toughness, strength and being in charge. The facilitators of the discussion, in a predesigned effort to drive an unforgiveable distinction between the two lists, then highlight the variations and assert that perhaps we should discount our interest in “real” men towards that of “good” men. Sometimes the facilitator will leave an open-ended question as to why we (as a society) haven’t already done so.

But I ask: Why the false dichotomy?

Why would we give the one for the other, when we could have (and would benefit from) both?

To be good means to do right – To be real means to be genuine. These are not mutually exclusive characteristics. They offer complimentary and harmonious strengths when coexistent. Those who say otherwise are feeding you a fallacy. You men just growing into (or coming back to) yourselves, the last thing you want to be is someone who appears good but lacks genuity. Even, the Playwright observed that “This above all: to thine own self be true.”[Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act 1 Scene 3] Compassion and toughness, though hardly synonyms, are not antonyms either. They are two components of something better when both are present. Commitment from a position of strength is always more noble than commitment in weakness.

That said, the poetic words of Shakespeare, were not meant to be an excuse to wallow in one’s baser nature. That’s where the good part comes in. Being true to oneself finds its surest application when we appeal to the better “angels of our nature.”[Lincoln, We Are Note Enemies, But Friends, First Inaugural Address, 1861] It is a call to be true to your best self; the self that will not tolerate his lesser efforts and shortcuts. Anyone true to that self will not be manipulated by others. He will speak the truth.

The ability to take charge is something admirable in the very best of men. As you develop your good traits, you will come to learn how and when taking charge emulates leadership (rather than controllership). As you focus on the nexus between what is right and what is genuine, overlaps will become clearer. Competencies will increase. As you expand on these competencies, new capacities will form that will render you a man who is both good and real.