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*I am in a relationship with a woman who is dying. When I met her, she was up front about what her condition(s) were, but thru my life I have failed all too often. We communicated, talked about things so deep, so inner personal that we knew we had the ultimate connection. During our discussions we discovered that we had at multiple times in our lives, the last being in 1990 when we lived less than a mile from one another while I was stationed in Hawaii, as was she. It was at that point we knew we were meant to be together, yet had to travel the path of life to find one another.

For the past three years, things have been at times close, then distant. Each time we became closer, happier, a part of her that I cannot share, based on confidences I will not reveal, she would begin to pull away, claiming her health was in jeopardy. Within a small time frame, she would once more begin to call me, text me and I would respond. For you see, I had given her my oath/vow, when she asked, to never leave her. Once more based on her history and confidences I am not at liberty to say, I understood why she pulled back, for fear of the past can drive one to move away from one who is fully capable of loving her. I remain with her because in all honesty, until I net her, I never in my, at that time 59 years of life, ever fully understood or experienced love in all that it could be or all that one can feel. *

The love of my life is once more in the hospital. When I began this Post, I mentioned she has multiple conditions. She lost a lung from what is known as "Ohio Valley Disease", which led to her heart condition. A condition that is now staged 3 and worsening. Now she is the hospital with sever bronchitis, the Flu and a major Sinusitus infection that is filling her chest with fluid. If it gets to her lung, pneumonia that would kill her.

I have accepted she will die. That was what I knew from the beginning. To give in to my base emotions, to allow the fear of her pending loss, whether in the near future or further into the year, to poison my love for her, the ability to stand ready for her at a moments notice, would be to lose what I have discovered too late in life, how to open oneself to love.

In a relationship of this nature, I am inexperienced, however learning fast. I have seen people who are losing someone put on the brave face and take what comes over and over until the ultimate happens, the death of a loved one.

I am not so much seeking advice but looking for more ways to make myself available to her without being pushy. We do not live together for practical reasons, such as insurance.

Thank you in advance.

OrionMace1958 2 Jan 1
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4 comments

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0

You have wonderful heart

0

Maybe cultivate a pattern around meals or hobby or culture interest that builds an expectation of regularity?

0

as cliché as it may sound, I believe you're seeking an answer to something that only you can answer...

ask yourself this, are you looking for more ways to make yourself available to her, solely for her...or is it more for your own peace of mind?

1

Hey, we all have to go, if you hadn't rolled with things then you wouldn't have experienced this love and knowing her. It hurts to lose those we love and it takes time to adjust for sure, but our lives are enriched and better for knowing these folk. For me it's the most loving act to be there for someone during illness and in death, a privilege really; it's not easy for anyone to lean on another, to feel exposed and vulnerable, but I have noticed that when I do this, this is when we feel loved the most and we feel real appreciation for those that are holding us, because it is this that lightens the load, it makes the task in hand, whatever this may be, feel OK and manageable. Telling her you want to be there for her and will do anything you can to support is all you can really do, along with accepting that you will feel utterly powerless at times as well, because I guess this is just part of it.

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