@jneedler, okay, kittens. That part's true.

@jneedler, I'm hesitant to recommend books myself. Not that there isn't useful information in them. Not that they don't offer unique lenses into various aspects of marriage. But, I find people--and I myself have--walk away feeling like something's missing. There is an important connection to others that isn't recreated well in text. In fact, I find that books nearly always fail to create the safety in the relationship that is necessary to make strong emotional connections.

I like to point back to the dating, early marriage period--back when it all just worked. What was different about then? Well, the relationship is often THE big priority in both partners, safety is absolutely there (not just physical, but physical too)--enough safety where the partners can explore each other and each other's values and hopes.

Once we let other priorities take over and push the marriage/relationship down to accommodate, we start taking each other for granted, and it's a slow decline toward resentment, self-protection, mistrust, boredom, disenchantment, etc. We just make that one critical mistake.

Anyway, I could go on forever on the topic, because it's so important to me. I've read a lot of books, and even the ones I've chosen as most influential don't capture the emotional space needed to repair attachment injuries. You can learn you need to repair the injuries, but they don't really convey how to do it. And, that's the most important part. I'm do a lot of think now about how I can create that safety and embed an emotional experience into text in a way that resonates with real people in real troubled relationships. I don't yet have the answers...

@chuckpo You're right about several things, including probably the kittens.

I've read many, many 'relationship' books in my quest to improve myself/my marriage.

The Five Love Languages is the best book I've found for how to connect emotionally with your partner - I can't recommend it highly enough. And now there's an app, you don't even have to read the book!

Real Love in Marriage better explains my simplistic definition of love (above), but more importantly: it shows how many of our 'natural' (learned) behaviors are actually incompatible with Real Love. It helps you understand what you are doing wrong in your relationship, and why - even if you thought your partner was the problem.

I can't recommend these two highly enough, out of the many, many books I've read. If you haven't seen them, and want real, applicable help for your relationship, these are the best.

@jneedler, I've read Love Languages, even used it. The other one I haven't read, so I'm curious. I'll check it out. You might add Hold Me Tight to your list. It's by Dr. Sue Johnson. That's one of the books I say has really important points, but I've yet to find that space for emotional connecting in books describing what an emotional connection would look like. I think it's an emotional process you have to experience, and you really can't experience that outside of the safety to have the conversation. Even as that safety is created, it's extraordinarily difficult for people to stop protecting themselves and risk again with their partners. So many people are stuck in this negative cycle they don't understand. Takes a bit of work to see it and then respond in a better way. Anyway, love this topic. And, I like your sense of humor.

Hey @jneedler, can you link me to How to Find Real Love in Marriage? I can't seem to find it. Are you sure that's the title? Could it be Real Love in Marriage: The Truth About Finding Genuine Happiness Now and Forever? Is the author Baer?

@chuckpo Yep, that's the one. Sorry for my confusion - my brain remembers ideas and concepts much better than specific words :/

Edit - went back and edited previous comments with the correct info. Thanks for helping me get it right.