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I haven't been on drugs for a bit over 4 years, with breaking up, realizing that, although it was not a physically abusive relationship, and he is on the surface "a good guy" there was a lot of gas lighting and manipulation that I don't think he was consciously aware of...I was tempted to have some when a friend who was clearly "on it" came over, I asked her for some and am so grateful that she said no, I am left feeling embarrassed and ashamed at myself for practically begging her and for even considering to go there, I keep saying that my Grandbaby will never see me in that state, I don’t ever want her to look at my behaviour confused as to why I'm acting different or weird or over the top (I'm pretty animated and excitable around her anyway, she brings out my inner child) and then there's the whole lack of sleep thing, I look forward to bed time every night and the chance of a new day...I have been overwhelmed with all that's going on, the ex has been kinda mean but in a passive agressive way, he initially said I had time to leave and then he gave me till he got home to be out,that was 2 weeks ago now, I have been sleeping with my daughter and grandbaby as the room wasn't ready for me, I finally have a room to sleep in now...I am still feeling lost and like I don't belong anywhere (silly I know, Luna is happy to see me every day?) this is the chaos that Jordan talks about and I'm not scared, well a little, but I choose to head out into the chaos and to carry my cross to bare (if that's the correct term) I will look fear in the face and keep moving forward and will continue to make good choices to the best of my ability...

MWhite 6 Apr 16
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6 comments

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1

Your courage is commendable. I salute you MWhite 🙂

Thank you so much

@MWhite

Don't thank me, I'm merely acknowledging the tremendous job YOU have achieved

1

One way or another that was a good friend that said no.

yes she definitely showed me the depth of our friendship, I made sure to tell her that I am grateful for her strength to stand up to me and that I will always be there for her no matter what.

3

I’ve loved your post, not for the situation you’ve found yourself in, but for your honesty and openness.

You’ll get it together. We all do, and you’ll eventually look back and see what you learned from this part of your life. Enjoy finding yourself again!

5

You might be feeling really mixed up, but your being very strong. Keep your chin up, I believe you know you did the right thing. Both have been very hard, I know begging for drugs, whatever, we all fall, but you kept strong. Life can be tough, just hold tight, good luck and my heart goes out to you. I've been through a few bad relationships it's so hard to leave. Your odviously a warrior!

4

Last weekend I asked and my friend said yes, not happy with my decision and not enjoyable anymore. Felt more like a dreadful two day kick in the butt. There is momentum doing the right thing, not what makes you happy, but the right thing and it sounds like you did. And even if you didn’t, we all stumble a little or a lot. Not sure if you can direct message on this site, but if you can, I’m happy to help, no judgement

4

M, no matter what happens, hang onto your babies, they are you. Party days and drugs are over, your babies come first, just remember good things you did and learned to teach and help them learn. It's hard to go single but with them it will help. I do know. You feel down, just hold the little one, a few kisses and tickles will turn to laff and get you going, you are not alone.

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