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My Weird Brain

One of the few people I've ever related to was the neuroscientist James Fallon. James Fallon describes himself as a pro-social psychopath. He doesn't break laws as an adult. He received some kind of Catholic boys award as a kid. He looked at a brain scan of himself and discovered that his brain has the same inactive areas as many serial killers.

I have a sense of fear. True psychopaths, and James Fallon (who is not a psychopath but rather someone with more traits of one than most people) do not. I figure Fallon's ancestors might have been the more warrior-types of people, whereas mine may have been the more rat-like pickpocket sorts of people. Fallon and I both seem to have stunted capacity for emotional empathy though.

Except for James Fallon...everyone else thinks in alien ways I've had to memorize to understand. You're all Star Trek characters to me. This includes the autistic people I'm often thought to have similarities too. They're no more similar to me than most people. Their social awkwardness comes from a lack of knowledge, from what I understand. I have no social awkwardness...except through not caring. Any social awkwardness I have comes from me not caring. Most harm I cause comes from me not caring. I am a bit of a jerk, and will forever be so, because I just don't care enough not to be one.


In my defense, though, I find empathy and kindness tiring, and I gain less from it than most people. I don't experience love. I only barely experience loneliness. When I experience any strong emotion relating to needing others...it's usually inspired by an unhealthy amount of egocentricity. I can switch off my empathy-related emotions, my ability to experience guilt, loneliness, sadness, and shame, as easily as yawning. That's not suppression. The emotions just disappear forever, completely, until I want them back. There are no negative side effects like there are for most people.

My most healthy mental state is, actually, kind of like the Vulcans from Star Trek. Vulcans, long ago, had emotions that were powerful enough to be destructive, so they began learning to suppress them to the extent that the developed a culture that emphasized logic and discouraged emotion and engaged in many rituals to help them deal with this.


Ideally, young children like me, boys of ten years old or so, would be raised by loving parents...but nonetheless parents to advise kids like me to be chivalrous towards girls, and crush down our emotions from a very young age, whenever doing so benefits others. It's easy for me to crush down my emotions, and if I'm not taught to do so, it'll be quite tempting for me to become narcissistic.


I don't want friends. I'll get bored of them and lose interest in speaking to them eventually. I don't want strong relationships. Again, I'll get bored of them. I want lots of people to learn from and talk to though. I don't know what I'd do without the internet...probably be quite miserable.


Me not really wanting friends or relationships has made things difficult for me. Most people don't want what I want, and I don't want what most people want. People are interchangeable to me. I like people...but I don't care about individuals, ever, on an emotional level. I respect my relatives and am thankful to them. However, when I was a kid I used to believe in an afterlife. I feared death. The prospect of not seeing my relatives again, if there was no afterlife, never bothered me though. I wanted an afterlife for me. I don't care who else is there.


For me, empathy is tied to my ego. I want to be kind so I can feel like I'm better than everybody else...but that's not a bad thing. There are healthy and unhealthy forms of narcissism, and that's one of the healthier forms. The unhealthy forms tend to lead to delusions. The healthy forms tend to motivate.


Other groups seem to need things from society. I'm not sure my group does. I'd be annoyed by people going out of their way to be kind to me because my mind works unusually. On the contrary...I'd be more comfortable if more people were jerks to me. My mind wants to compete. It doesn't want friends. It wants people to fight against and compete with and outsmart.

I find most of you people adorable though. You have these powerful emotional bonds to each other that I want no part of, nor will ever experience, but I see how far you're willing to go to assist one another. I want no part of that myself...but it's a beautiful thing. That's a big part of the reason why I like people so much.

MrShittles 7 June 2
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My impression, glad it means nothing. Twisted, enormous SELF justification, SELF centered, an island.
I remember Agatha Christie (twisted) beautifully, exactly identifying someone in her story as 'a small country, bounded on the N,E,S,W by HERSELF. So apt for so many.

I knew my SELF from being there so long. So when over a 7/8 year period I was LED to Jesus completely miraculously, totally out of character, I DENIED self, to an extent, received the new spirit from heaven, and the BATTLE raged. How hypocritical of me to see the insanity of my old spirit yet cling to it.

On another topic, connections to people must be led by God(Theos). I rarely seek it. Why open toxic entryways?

We are not pets. Kittens, puppies may be adorable. I'm a nasty, miserable person when IN MYSELF.
But when I 'put on Christ', I change, and yes, 'I' change slightly too.

I'm no way in love with SELF, loser, SELFish, but ASPECTS are incorporated into the new Spirit.

You describe more happy alone, and everyone benefits from that.

But are you interested at all in the economic or political situation?
I'm pretty sure it will have an effect.
Reason I ask is you describe a prison cell, YOU, with no light. To me.

By all means attack, criticize, only fair.

Here's my moral code: [slug.com]

Also, you're very cute. You have no choice in this matter.

0

How old are you?

35

@MrShittles

Your words:

"In my defense, though, I find empathy and kindness tiring, and I gain less from it than most people. I don't experience love. I only barely experience loneliness."

Then:

"I find most of you people adorable though. You have these powerful emotional bonds to each other that I want no part of, nor will ever experience, but I see how far you're willing to go to assist one another. I want no part of that myself...but it's a beautiful thing. That's a big part of the reason why I like people so much."

I'm unwilling to address more than the (plain to see) inconsistencies, here.

You don't give me the impression of someone who is happy with their situation.

And, speaking frankly, this speaks volumes of a disconsolate soul:

"Ideally, young children like me, boys of ten years old or so, would be raised by loving parents...but nonetheless parents to advise kids like me to be chivalrous towards girls, and crush down our emotions from a very young age, whenever doing so benefits others. It's easy for me to crush down my emotions, and if I'm not taught to do so, it'll be quite tempting for me to become narcissistic."

Sounds like you need to sort some things out if you're going to move forward w/ your life.
I wish you well in that endeavor.

@Terence57 I find empathy and kindness tiring...but everybody has their weaknesses and strengths. I'm pretty good at a more intellectual kind of empathy...just not an emotional kind. I'm good at understanding the philosophy of morality, and I can be quite empathetic towards strangers or regarding more philosophic issues. I just don't won't know what to do if you break up with your girlfriend and come to me for support. Ask me about whether or not it should be legal to build sentient machines, and I'll reveal a lot of compassion for my fellow living beings.

I would say, on average, I'm no worse of a person than most people. I'm more empathetic than most people in some ways, and less in others...those emotional, personal ways...maybe. It's hard to judge that sort of thing. I'm impulsive...but I have other strengths that sometimes make up for that weakness.


I definitely find most people adorable. I see most people like adults look at kids. They're like these innocent people, deeply caring people, compared to me...and they're very cute. I don't think most people are as intelligent as I am when it comes to understanding abstract concepts relating to ethics...but most people have this kind of warmth I see as a neat thing...and an awe-inspiringly powerful thing too, in many cases, not just a cute, childish thing.


I don't think I'm any less happy in my situation than most people are. There are ways in which I'm less than thrilled. I want to become a writer, for example, and haven't been able to get that off the ground yet. I need to work on preparing for my retirement better - that sort of thing.


I don't believe completely non-discolonsolate souls exist. It's the nature of life to not be completely content...but that learning to crush down my emotions (well some of them...I leave many of them alone) was healthy for me. And now I can do it as easily as yawning. Different people grow up in different ways. That was my way of growing up. I wouldn't want to be any different.


I suspect most people's biggest mistake is ever ceasing attempting to sort things out to move in in life. Ideally, we'd be constantly learning and changing and growing. Ideally we'd retain some of our childish curiosity and recklessness eternally, I'd think.

@Terence57 To continue the above...I also don't know where any inconsistencies were in the part you referenced where you saw inconsistencies. I also am kind of a jerk. When I was 27, for example, I had the closest thing I had to a long term friend. I knew him for about, I think 2 years, and we'd go to events. After that time was up my curiosity had been eased and I just stopped talking to him for six months. I'd not respond to his calls. Then, eventually I did and we started doing things again, and I ticked him off by saying that I wanted to spend less time with him (which was at least a step forward in maturity from just stopping talking to him) and he wisely ceased talking to me. I just don't have boundaries stopping me from doing that sort of thing the way most people do. I engaged in more of that sort of thing when I was in my teen years. I never learned to crush down my emotions before then. I wish I had. My emotions are often pretty toxic, and I'm happier and better off getting rid of certain ones...but I'm a lot happier now, and healthier for other people to be around. Thanks for your response.

@MrShittles

You talk a lot about "crushing" your emotions. They're there for a reason. They are "energy."

Emotions are like fire. They can motivate or paralyze, inspire or destroy. They are also like water---you can direct them, ride them to a destination, but you can't bottle them up indefinitely. They will turn inward and fester. Whatever else you may say, you have them. Learn their language.

Controlling them isn't "crushing" them. Crushing them is crushing you.

Good luck.

@Terence57
*The closest thing I experience to love for individuals are extremely shallow, painful, crushes on near-complete strangers. I'm best off getting rid of that form of energy.

*I have a lot of very shallow competitive aggression. I want to beat people at games...like how you try to pull your shoe away from a dog, and it turns it into a game whether you want it to or not. I'm best off getting rid of most of that form of energy...although I keep some of it around, because that can be a bit useful.

*The only time I was sad when another organism died was when my goldfish died when I was five. That was extremely painful...and over a pretty one-sided relationship. That wasn't particularly useful either.

I don't have a whole lot of healthy, paternal, hard-working, protective instincts. Mine are often just this kind of, selfish, greedy, fearful, shallow, jealous, pit it tar and bacon grease, and the one advantage all that tar and bacon grease provides me with, I think, is that I had more of a motivation for switching all that off than most people have...so now I'm a pretty unbiased, thoughtful, calm thinker, oftentimes.

I also suspect shutting off those feelings is a lot easier for me than it is for most people. It really is no more difficult than yawning. I just had to get out of my natural egotistical perspective that never considered that I might be able to shut them off.

I have zero interest whatsoever in having those forms of energy back. I frequently smile and revel in how glad I am that they're gone now.

There is the most important part of you and I: the self-aware, conscious version. Then there are our animal-like impulses. I shut down some of my animal-like impulses so that the conscious, self-aware part of me can get what it really wants without them bothering me.

@MrShittles
It isn't for me to say what works best for you.

What I will say is that, inherent in most people is a desire for shared experience. At base level, imagine the best steak, the best milkshake, the best Chinese takeout, whatever---people want to share those experiences, want to share those meals.

YOU may not want to share them, but believe it or not, somebody wants to share that unbelievably well cooked hamburger or movie or music with another person. There's no reason that person shouldn't be you.

Or, another way of looking at it is this: Most of us have had the experience of watching somebody do something badly, for lack of knowledge. When we have that knowledge, most of us want to share it because there is a beauty in properly executed function, and sometimes, a validation for both parties when it happens. The helper has his value as a person validated. The person completing the task takes note that it can be accomplished well, by them, with proper knowledge. They weren't "at fault." They needed a tool. It's a win/win.

It's called "The Human Family" for a reason. Think about it, and good luck. I've said all I can.

Seriously, the best off luck to you.

@Terence57 good point on emotions. E-motion. I haven't arrived at any understanding of emotions and Christianity yet.

@2FollowHim

All I know about people is what they show me. As for the rest, all we can do is the best we can when we have the energy.

@MrShittles
Your last sentence is a breath of fresh air. Take care. T

@Terence57 And you seem like a kindhearted person. Thanks for your comments.

@Terence57 And...I'm not the type of person who doesn't understand that system. I understand how everybody else thinks quite well, but I respect your attempt to teach me that. You're concerned about me harming others, so you're trying to depict people, and you, as this kind, comforting group of people.

You sound a lot like me when I've sent messages to, at least one self-described psychopath. I have the same goal of protecting humanity as you. I just don't have feelings for individuals.

Like I said, I'm kind of a jerk...but I'm not a dangerous jerk. You don't have to worry about that. My goals for society are the same as any humanitarian's...and probably most humanists.

Unfortunately, though I have some traits of psychopaths, I don't know how actual psychopaths think. I don't whether or not your post would do any good in terms of encouraging better behavior in them or not.

Personally, I've been hoping to talk to one to try to teach them my worldview where we are all essentially the same organism, and my suffering is bad for you for the same reason yours is bad for me...because none of it really feels any differently. I've tried contacting a couple psychopaths online. They haven't responded to me though.

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