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Does intimacy trump identity? Is it possible that someone can identify sexual orientation wise, as one way, but still enjoy sex as if they are another orientation?

ariellescarcella 7 Apr 19
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To me the only thing that explains this weird story, apart from trolling or clickbait motives, is that the girl believes you get more respect in society if the world sees you as a lesbian, not bisexual. People sometimes want to hang on to a label that clearly doesn't describe their behavior, because they feel there's prestige associated with that label.

I've noticed the following attitudes towards sexual orientations:

  1. Heterosexual males and lesbians want to be seen as being attracted to females only. The orientation has to be fiercely protected, as others are constantly on the lookout and want to knock you down. Being only female-attracted is like a badge of honor that gets stripped from you forever if you engage with males sexually, even just once. For lesbians, this situation is effective starting the day they first come out as a lesbian.

  2. No one questions whether hetero/bi females or gay/bi males are really attracted to males. It apparently doesn't matter. Their orientation is not seen as a badge of honor, so no one is trying to take it away from them.

I personally believe that people attracted to females get more respect because winning over females sexually is several orders of magnitude harder than winning males over sexually. Evolution has favored males who spread their seed in as many directions as possible with maximum speed, and females who are very, very picky. As a result, getting 10 males to have sex with you requires that you post your availability on Tinder/Grindr and position yourself in a bathroom stall for an hour or so. Haven't tried though <-- obligatory badge protection there. πŸ™‚ But getting 10 females to have sex with you is something many fail to achieve in their entire lifetime. Because getting there is a ton of work! To start with, you have to be decent-looking or rich or famous, preferably smart too, be able to take the initiative when needed, convince the female that you're not about to assault them et cetera. Most of those properties require that you put in work constantly. Female-attracted people happily do all of that, and more.

The society I grew up in values work. Maybe this is one of the reasons female-attracted people get more respect than male-attracted people in a dating context. So from this perspective, maybe that Covid diary girl was just trying to protect her 'badge of honor' - when actually she just felt like "nah, I'm attracted to guys too anyway and this quarantine is a great excuse for not having to put in the work it takes to find a girl to have sex with". And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Except now she wants the badge back.

Inka Level 2 Apr 24, 2020

You can identify as whatever you like--doesn't change reality. i could "identify" as straight or bisexual or male, but it doesn't change the material fact that i am a homosexual female (a.k.a. a lesbian). i have no idea why bisexual women who actively participate and enjoy sex with men call themselves lesbians; maybe they like the attention. i understand that she feels confused or conflicted since she's "identified" as a lesbian, but come on. she's insulting both lesbians and bisexual women--lesbians because she's contributing to the idea that we're not really homosexual, that we'll just bend to the right man, and bisexual women because by continuing to call herself a lesbian, she contributes to bi erasure.

Bilitis Level 4 Apr 20, 2020

Spot on!


The simple answer is no. If your a female who enjoys sex with men and women your bi-sexual, which is cool.

Its part of a larger issue of the slow erasing of lesbian from the Lgbt spectrum. Where trans women speak for lesbians ( and females in general) instead.


No. Identify is not a sexual orientation. Intimacy does not equal sex. You can have intimacy with long term friends that does not include sex. I am a 55 year old lesbian. Single, disabled, heart failure. Having sex is questionable for me currently. Being intimate with some one is fully available to me. As you age, or health issues can prevent you from having sex or interest in sex. But I am still a lesbian. Women adult human females and not all of them are what I am attracted to. Men adult human males, sexual are disgusting and gross and physically mentally and emotionally repulsive to me. If the woman is having sex after a month with a bloke instead of self pleasure she is bi sexual. She is NOT a lesbian. Nothing wrong with being Bi. But don’t call yourself a lesbian. Get a damn dictionary and look up the meaning of words before you use them. Lesbian is a homosexual human female.

Karlaj Level 3 Apr 20, 2020



What do you get out of having sex with someone you're not sexually into? Personally, even their presence would be too distracting to enjoy myself. It sounds like a terribly awkward and uncomfortable ordeal at best. If you're not attracted to them, I'd imagine solitary masturbation would still be preferable. And if you are attracted to them, then wouldn't that make it (part of) your sexuality?


That could the other way around as well. I’ve heard the term β€œgay for the stay” for those incarcerated

Mememe Level 1 Apr 20, 2020

yea someone mentioned that! its interesting


Sex / gender is fixed, pre-determined and settled before birth. If you wanna close your eyes during the sex and imagine yourself as a fish, that's a fantasy.

If you enjoy your little fantasy, then good for you, but you won't achieve fish identity.

Lt-JW Level 7 Apr 20, 2020

i agree


I mean I'm gonna say that it's not typical but we don't know how high this persons sex drive is. I get where the girl is coming from though. So in this instance she could still be a lesbian and never have sex with a man ever again after quarantine is over but she is willing at the moment because she needs the intimacy and physical touch even if it's from a man.

doesn't masturbation count though


Does intimacy trump identity? Imma say no, but intimacy can definitely contradict your sense of identity, especially if it's a "chosen" identity verses an "innate" one.

yea exactly


I think that 99% of the world could be swayed from the sexuality they identify with if they met the right person. But I think about how hard it was to find someone of the opposite sex that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I think it would be even more narrow to find someone of the same sex that I would truly be attracted to.

That being said, I hate putting strict labels on sexuality, and think it’s best left not strictly defined. This way if you do find intimacy that’s different from how you typically identify, there are fewer social repercussions.

interesting .


I don't know what you mean. Can one be gay and enjoy sex as if hetero? I think the terms are exclusive. I never did understand 'identifying as'. You can never insist that people see you the way you do and it shouldn't bother you if they don't.

yea to me they are the same thing


Not for the most part, but I can sympathize with the girl wanting to try and categorize herself as a lesbian just for the sake of identifying fully with one "side," and feeling like she is a part of something fully. Hopefully she realizes that being bisexual is also valid and cool!

bisexuals are just as cool lol


I honestly feel like that Defeats the whole process of identifying as such.

i feel the same way


In the realm of human thought and behavior, anything is possible...even probable; however incomprehensible it is to me.

J_B_L Level 2 Apr 19, 2020

I think so, but it would take being secluded for longer than a month.




I think that sometimes in these cases there might be some internalized homophobia/biphobia happening that's preventing someone from considering that they might not be wholly straight or wholly gay.

Jayyy Level 4 Apr 19, 2020

me too. i agree


When you meet your soulmate all bets are off. People have preferences and orientation on top of preferences (or vice versa) but at the end of the day our mind is the most powerful aphrodesiac. I'm sapiosexual so anyone who is well read, open-minded, able to defend their philosophy and ideology is just... hot.

as a sapiosexual that makes sense. but not everyone feels like you. you're lucky haha

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