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Sorry for the long post but I really needed to vent.

I've always been very pro trans I've know trans people for almost a decade pre and post. I very much treat people as individuals. Ive picked people up from hospital when their HRT has got messed up and caused panic attacks that people geniunely mistook for a heart attack.

However alot of the stuff recently online I see now has been grinding me the wrong way after the years of homophobia and sexism I've dealt with. And its now seeped into real life too. I can't just leave it as online bollocks.

The press have been so bad at covering the stuff in the UK with the GRA. They had the JKR incident was on repeat instead of them actually outlining the pros and cons of the GRA stuff.
Everything got to me so much I actually decided to dig into our laws read the Equality Act the exceptions clause and parts of the GRA and download the GIDS statistics directly. And learn in more detail about intersex conditions.

I figured I thought if I knew everything inside and out I would just be able to fob off criticism of parts of the movement as all transphobic vitrial.

What actually happened was almost the opposite - I realised flaws in my own understanding . I'm not a terf. But some of the opposition to some of the trans policys have very good points. They also want more research before laws are changed.

I also care on a personal level as my own experiences with the disconnect from "woman hood" and shame around being a masculine ish which lead me to - at 28, tell a counsellor I was geniunely confused about my gender. I've already been out as not straight/ dates women only for almost a decade so questioning my gender identity seems utterly ridiculous at this point. I filled in online medical questionaires for gender dysphora and everything told me I was trans which added to the confusion. I was so badly confused the topic it even came up in a counselling session and I was nearly given a referral letter to a different counsellor or something but I said no because I didnt really want to open that door yet. I'M NOT trans. The idea of being a hairy 40y/o man is not what I want. But if I could swap genders as I felt like it - be a boy for a week and swap back after id be ok with that.
I told my the gf and she said "do you wish you were a boy?" And my reply was " yeah sometimes, my life would have been an awful lot easier".
Im very introspective and NOT a teenager so
with that comment I concluded I just have internalised homophobia and was teased growing up for being a bit masculine. Im also 6ft.
The think is even knowing this I'm still a bit wibbly on my Gender Identity. The idea of being genderqueer gave an explanation for all those feelings but im not sure thats healthy. Although I only ever mentioned it to my then gf and 2 close friends who I broke down infront of after people where going off on JK for caring about this stuff. (I don't agree with everything she says)

Fortunately for me I have a transistioned trans man in my life to bounce things off of and I know basically agreed with the conclusion I reached when we spoke. It doesnt take the niggling doubt away completely tho.

So lets say I'm following the gay/butch side of things intensely. But I know theres definately a few people that would call me a terf. Im not.

Social media used to be an escape I could be gay and laugh at lesbian youtube skits. Now its like everyone has 4000 pronouns, you can't make a semi serious period joke, words mean nothing and everything and if you think people should check in with there doctor about their hormone levels before ID as asexual your an exclusionist. I've even had people try and tell me a saying a penis is a male sex organ is transphobic or not open to date transwomen because I know a cosmetic vagina and clit isnt the same as a bio clit and vagina. And don't even get me started on the dick stuff. We used to be able to debate the origin of even homosexuals, what mak3s someone bi etc that was just casual gay chat and noone got offended.

So now Feel like my online safe wlw "afab" lesbian space when Im isolated from all the gays is gone.
And the worst part is I feel guilty that I feel that way.

TLDR: I got confused about my Gender identity cos I'm ashamed of wanting present be more butch and have internalised homophobia and sexism and online spaces suck ass.

WhytfAmIHere 4 July 21
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1

fantastic points. SO many lesbians are struggling with "gender identity" but truly are simply just more masculine presenting women,

3

This hurts my heart. I relate to pretty much all of this. The guilt that you feel especially hits home- all I want is for everyone to feel comfortable and I don't want to be the reason anyway feels worse about themselves. But I also feel like my ability to talk about my experiences as a female is being stifled and it's making me resentful of the LGBT community right now. In addition, I'm not a lesbian, I'm bisexual. So people assume that I should be okay dating anyone with any configuration of primary and secondary sex characteristics and I get called transphobic when I explain that I'm only attracted to people whose primary and secondary sex characteristics match. I've also felt confusions regarding my gender identity because I felt like it wasn't okay to embrace my masculinity and still be a woman.

I truly believe that we can support trans people and still set boundaries and call out toxic beliefs in the community, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel alienated in almost every LGBT online forum.

Is it bad that your comment makes me feel better?
eventually the silent majority will speak up IRL.

Tbh my view has always been is you have to be some kind of homoflexible / bi to even contemplate dating someone trans. I also wonder some times if its a case of Top vs bottom as to how aint a person would be..

I dated a dude for 2 years. Lovely man - I have much fond memories. But sex? Entry was always painful because my body wasnt into it and I felt like something was wrong with me the whole time - I definately had sex when I didnt want to (not his fault - comphet). Your body works but not to the same extent. even now as a reflect I often reject penetrative sex with a woman unless Im the top.

When ImWith women - I do not get this feeling of being wrong. I get butterfly and want to rip their clothes off. LOL.
I wouldn't know what to even do with a dick if these days even if I was attracted to a passing transwoman because lets be real how many actually have SRS? Its fairly crude and dangerous and requires months of work to recover.

I just feel sorry for the baby gays that only have the internet to turn to these days. I swear to god its not as friendly a space as it was "IN my DaY" .

Seems alot of people in the LGBTQ community that arent political that reject selfID are older.
Maybe its just that many of us werent at primary school when gay marriage was passed. Even tje youngest of us were in the working world or at university.

The last 10 years in the UK anyway peoples attitidues have drastically changed.

3

I'm so sad for you. It's why I hate all this activism in my community. They call it being fair or progressive but all it does is seem to hurt the majority of women and Transwomen. I can't even advocate on womens behalf or as a transwoman I am still called a transphobe and bigot.

I really hate the divide this is causing between individuals that were friends and its so counter productive. I would be so happy for some of the tape to be removed for GRCs some of it is ridiculous. But total selfID? No other mental health condition do we general accept self diagnosis and ultimately thats what it is.
As we know full well people aren't that great at it...

I want trans people to be able to access transistion. But the GIDS numbers are so ridiculously skewed towed AFABs atm. I want to hear them calling for research as to why this is. If they actually give a shit about every person that comes forward they should ask why this representation has happened.

and we appreciate that you do that. and we will stand for you too

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