Speaking of Bi-Sexuality...

I came out of the “closet” when I was 17 years old. Fast forward 12 years later here I am, very much still a lesbian. Needless to say I kicked down that closet door running and never looked back. I have only dated and been with a handful of women (I am a hopeless romantic which has gotten me hurt once or twice too many times).

I met her January 25th, 2015. We met on a freezing drunken night at the Stonewall inn. The separate circumstances and events that led us to meeting that night made our entire encounter seem like “destiny” or “fate”. There was not too much that I remembered from that night which started at 5 PM, but I remembered her. I remembered how good of a dancer she was and how we literally shut down the bar at closing having lost track of time in deep, connecting conversation. Before we went our separate ways, I gave her my number and she gave me a sweet kiss good-bye. The next day she texted me and we began to get to know each other a little more. After a few flirty texts and getting to know each other, I put on my FBI hat and immediately began to look her up on social media. Ahhh good old Facebook. When scrolling through her pictures I was relieved to find that it wasn't drunken goggles but she was actually quite beautiful. Scrolled a little more...who's this Chris guy? My excited heart immediately sank. After about a week- two weeks of talking I found myself crushing super hard. We spoke all day, every day and she wanted to see me again. I wanted to see her too but I wasn't sure if she was even a lesbian. I ultimately bit the bullet and respectfully, but straight up asked her on the phone if she was bi-sexual and mentioned seeing a lot of photos of her and this Chris guy. She told me he was her ex-boyfriend who she recently broke up with after 4 years. She also told me she had been in two other relationships about a year or two each, one with another guy and one with a girl. She said to me assuringly that this most recent relationship really helped her realize that she was not into men at all and strictly was into women. I took her word for it and so we began dating.

8 months later we both loaded the U-Haul and moved out of our mothers homes and into a tiny, shitty apartment in Brooklyn, NY. She began an graduate program while I was brand new at my new job. So basically we were both broke. She couldn't work because there was literally not enough time in a day or days in a week. I supported the both of us which was super hard, but I didn't care because I loved her so much and wanted her to succeed. One year later I proposed to her and she said yes. Only one problem. Her family.

(For those still reading: Side-Story - She comes from a super old school culture with a single older mother. She came out to her mom when we were dating only about 6 months. Her mom literally disowned her and didn't speak to her for almost a year. She finally started to come along and did begin to accept us. However, when I proposed she wasn't too happy about it and was mortified at what the rest of their family would think/say.)

Fast forward some more, Summer 2017 we had a big engagement party where not only my entire family and all my friends attended, but her entire family and friends attended as well. We came such a long way with her family to have accepting not only her, but accepting me as well as part of their family. By December of 2017 we were legally married surrounded by our immediate family and closest friends.

2018 was a big deal for us too. She was about 6 months from finally graduating, we -I- purchased a home for us, not the biggest in the world but away from the city, humble and ours. We celebrated our first Wedding Anniversary and I thought I had it all. A career, a home to call my own and I was married to my soul mate. We traveled abroad and nationally, laughed everyday, worked so well together, rarely argued and loved each other effortlessly. So where did it all go wrong you ask?

February 2019 is where things started to feel off. She was becoming distant and I was feeling kinda neglected. I told myself its both of our schedules, often passing trains both always exhausted. She was drowning in school work, exams and clinical rotations. I was dying from putting in anywhere from 60-80+ hours a week at work to continue to support us and now a mortgage. I also had gained some weight and thought maybe it was also me. I decided to start working out and eating better. Started shedding the weight and actually looking like my old self. My confidence was slowly coming back and I found myself trying to get her attention intimately but never quite connecting. She was always too tired or didn't have the time. Anyway, there is so much to this story but I'll spare some details not wanting to turn this into a novel. I became unhappy in the months to come. I found that I was not happy with my wife, not happy that she never complimented me anymore, wasnt as affectionate anymore, not looking at me but rather through me. Even after improving my appearance she didnt want anything to do with me. I never in a million years expected to find out what I ultimately found.

One day in April 2019, she went out to meet her best friend and for the first time in our entire relationship (on God) I really snooped. I don't know why I did but I felt the urge in my gut to go onto her computer and snoop through her e-mails. There it was. Evidence and confirmation that all I was feeling was there for a reason. I found pictures of her and another man (no, not chris). The first photo was a simple selfie, followed by another selfie, followed by the two of them looking at each other and then boom. A picture of them kissing. My world as I knew it was instantly shattered into billions of pieces. Talk about a physical experience. My ears literally rung, my heart was racing so fast and beating so hard I felt every pulse in my temples. I literally became dizzy and lightheaded. I became so confused and so emotionally overwhelmed I literally did not know what to do with myself. First, I called my best friend of almost 20 years to come over ASAP. Next, I wanted to, no NEEDED to know more. I needed to know who, what, where, when, how, HOW LONG??? I needed to know as much as possible. I literally went through her e-mails like my life depended on it. I printed everything out, all photos and any conversation you name.

Confronting time. She came home to everything printed out onto the kitchen table. She was taken by complete shock. She told me they hadnt slept together, it wasnt serious, it was three dates and she had already ended it. I later found it was actually about 3 months of an affair, they slept together multiple times and she had feelings for him. I didn't confirm this all in one day. After months of therapy, countless conversations, dozens of arguments it all came out.

My wife was a liar. I thought I knew her better than I knew myself. I thought we were happy. She claims she was, says it wasn't me and that she got wrapped in the moment, more like many moments. She told me she loved me, but how do you do that to someone you love? If it was a one-time kiss at a drunken work event and it never happened again, would I be pissed off and hurt? Absolutely. But the fact that this was numerous instances, countless opportunities to stop or how about not even start at all? That is almost impossible to get over. How about the fact that it was with a man? How do I compete with that? I can't and I shouldnt have to. I told her if shes straight or bi-sexual I cannot change that if its who she is. She still told me she was a lesbian smh. After months of therapy I come to find in August she still talking to him and I pretty much took whatever little love and patience I had in salvaging our marriage and kicked her out of our home. I filed for divorce and that is how this story ends.

So the question(s) I pose tonight is why? Why risk your marriage if everything is going so well in it? Why get married at all? Why risk it all after going through so much with your family, whom after a battle accepted you/us? After everything we went through and worked so hard building. Is it about sex? is it about that spark or the chase? If so, why risk the marriage again when the spouse is trying to fix it all with you? Why keep the contact? She claims she wasnt in love with him but had a some feelings but more so a friendship. I don't think you can fake what I thought we had. I still believe she loved me throughout our relationship. You can't fake all that we had gone through and experienced together. But in the end was it that I wasnt enough, was it her sexuality or is she just a dumb horny whore (God forgive me)? Is she straight, is she a lesbian or somewhere in between?

Thoughts?