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I'm getting better. Or at least trying to. Do I feel as bad as I did a month ago? No. I still feel sad though.

A lot of my progress last month was realizing I shouldn't be hard on myself. I watched some self help videos and a catchphrase was "You don't have to be perfect at this [insert topic here] thing, just try to be better than yesterday. Every day." That helped. It instilled in me that progress wasn't going to happen every day and that's okay, as long as I'm trying.

Also accepting that it isn't my fault. What happened a month ago isn't my fault and what happened with Julie isn't my fault. With Julie specifically I thought maybe if I did things differently, this wouldn't have happened. I did my best and things didn't work out.

That doesn't mean I don't treasure the memories I had with her. I loved her. We had some good times. This shit that happened a month ago is out of my control. For a while I felt helpless but I don't feel that way anymore. You don't have to be perfect at this recovery thing, just try to be better than yesterday. Every day.

TylerZIM 5 Sep 8
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You shouldn't need to be better than yesterday either. Surely you've heard the world isn't fair. The vast majority goes through life being pampered and conceited as society is built around them. This make them self-absorbed, they don't care about any other perspectives, which allow them to enjoy life as mindless inconsiderate assholes. Negligence is wrong, but willing negligence is evil. Point being, you are not part of that majority, and I suspect that "improving yourself" may actually mean becoming more like them. That's the only way society will favor you. I hope you reconsider if that is the case. I live in Mexico where people have no honor or decency. I am piss poor as I choose to keep my honesty and integrity, which tenders me an inconvenient person hard to employ. I don't want to change because I have crafted myself towards what I personally like. I know what that is as I have been forced to question myself every single step of the way. The cuddled majority have not questioned shit in their life. So please just make sure you are not corrupting your true self with societal standards which are mediocre by definition. And I hope you well. Perhaps you npt being good enough isn't the problem, but the majority's expectation of you to forcefully integrate. I don't really have an answer for that either thom what can I say other than life isn't fair.

I'm not trying to be like the majority. To define what I mean by self improvement is becoming what I feel is a better, more productive person. Taking better care of myself. Not the best person defined by society, but the best version of myself. I had a lot self confidence issues and things have gotten better in that department. Also thinking about what I truly want in life and how to get there.

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I don't know about 'fault'. I know I have faults. You know? The fault-line, the crack where bad stuff happens. I'm only responsible for myself, but if I can
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I may do it, once recovered enough myself.
I'm responsible for my recovery, and often can't take any more.
Eventually, yes, but at a slow, often zig zag rate.
Really, I feel nearly everything is out of my control. I don't even WANT to control it. Go with the flow. No flow, no go.
When everything conflagrates, gotta put out the fire, or maybe get out.
We're so different. One may have a seriously WEAK area.
I may feel disdain FOR that weak area.
At least I know I'm no 'good person'. Some 'decent points' but a lot of rot.
So I know what's there.
We've all heard of Freud's ID and I seriously believe we have that murky, controlling Subconscious. Can cause trouble.
Best NOT to TRY to be better, every day. Pressure.
Your body and mind wants improvement: you can rest, enjoy something, anything.
Sounds like a lot of damage got done with Julie.
Is it too hurtful to patch? I wonder what she wants.
Relationships are so special, often like fine china, easily broken.
I know I'm mean, nasty at times, too pushy. Feel like growling.
It's me, nobody else.
It may be some defence mechanism but I'd like to increase amenability.
For me it's prayer, repentance to effect lasting change.
To your healing.

The goal isn't "perfection", but there are improvements I feel I have to make. Humans by definition are imperfect. In regards to Julie, I don't think things can go back to the way they were. I don't think she wants anything to do with me. She hasn't responded to any of my messages in over a year. It came from nowhere. There wasn't a big fight or anything.

@TylerZIM If people won't tell you, then, yes, looks like the door must close.
I'm very slow to close a door, but once I shut it(and I do try to tell the person, I don't open that again.
Time to move on.
When others won't communicate, really, you can't know.
I won't get about what I can't know well.
If I'm at fault, other situations will happen and then I'll see more clearly.
Some lessons get repeated!!